August
10
I have mentioned before that I had a hard time going through middle school. The kids weren’t always the nicest as we know kids can be.
I dreaded going to lunch because this was when the name calling would be the worst. My friends and I sat at the table which was right next to the table of a group of the jock/surfer boys.
I still do not know why I never suggested to my friends we move to another table but I think it is because I knew the answer. I would be asked to moved and they would stay.
During lunch everything would be going well and then the Peck twins would start on me. It wasn’t so much both of them but one of them who enjoyed it the most. He would start asking why I always eat with girls. Why am I so girly? I am a fag. I must be a fag. Look at this fag…
It seemed to be the highlight of his day. At least it was only at lunch…
Well, it was only at lunch in the beginning…
He then decided to start before school. He would gather his friends up and they would come to where we always stood waiting to go to class and the names would begin again.
We moved at one point in time to the other side of the building. It was nice for awhile until he found me over there it would begin again. He would drag his friends over and they would begin the name calling, the questions and making me wanting to run but I couldn’t. I had to stay and deal with it. No one was there to help me. No one was there to understand.
He loved making fun of me. He loved bullying me. It made him feel good. You would see the pride in his eyes whenever it would begin and when I would get to the point of fighting tears.
This tore me up through out those years and I hated him. I would run into him after school at a store or resturant and hide so he wouldn’t see me. I would take longer walks to get to classes to avoid him in the halls. I would avoid party invites if I thought he might be there.
As an adult, I think back at those times and wonder why he was so cruel to me? What did he get from making fun of me?
He got attention. Attention which made him stand apart. Stand apart from his twin bother.
They were known as the twins. When you talked about them, you always talked about them together. They were invited to the same parties. They were sometimes even in the same classes. When they weren’t together, the first question always asked to him was where is your brother? They had the same hair cut and even shared the same clothes.
He asked my friend out once and she said no. Not because he made fun of me but because twins freaked her out.
I want to believe he picked on me because he was hurting inside. He was feeling bullied himself and, as a teen, the only way he knew to make it better was to pick on someone else. It was rough on me but who knows how rough his life was on him.
Who knows where he is now? Maybe he does homoerotic modeling with his brother. Maybe he is a guitar player in a band. Maybe he is a CEO of a company.
I deep down wonder if he even remembers me.
I wonder if he knows how much he hurt me.
I wonder if he regrets what he did.
I wonder if he is sorry.
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Trevin James
on 10 Aug 2009 at 12:45 pm #
Ahw, I’m sorry to hear that you had a rough time in Middle School. I’ll be starting my senior year of High School on the 24th and I have to say that if I could, I would completely take out the experiences I had in Middle School. I was constantly teased, and they were the awkward years for me.
High School has been much better. I remember going to a freshman orientation and seeing the only male cheerleader perform for a little “fishie” pep rally. I remember walking away from the orientation with one thought on my mind, ‘hot, sexy, gay boys.’ =D Haha! But most of the guys left me alone in High School, and I think it’s because I started standing up for myself. When I came out I found out that most of my friends didn’t care and I guess that gave me the strength to stand up for myself.
xoxo Trevin James
Jared Hickman
on 10 Aug 2009 at 2:11 pm #
Hi Michael,
I always appreciate your posts. I have a couple questions for you about today’s post:
1. How did the hurt you experienced help you grow (assuming it did)?
2. Why do people always assume that kids are so cruel, when adults are just as cruel (if not more) but they usually show it in passive ways?
3. What would you say to this boy if you saw him today?
Curious to read your responses.
Cheers.
Jared
Scotty
on 10 Aug 2009 at 7:24 pm #
I went through the same thing, but it was in high school, junior and senior years that it was so bad for me. I can only assume it brought those people up when they brought someone else down, and maybe they had problems themselves they were trying to avoid or forget. Who knows. I see a lot of them now since I’m in the same hometown, and most treat me better now. I also made friends with girls easier and was teased about that also. If it were not for them and some other male friends, I don’t know how I would have made it. There were a lot of guys who did not make fun of me, so I try to remember them now, even though it’s the bad ones you usually remember. I empathize with you.
Michael
on 10 Aug 2009 at 8:06 pm #
Trevin,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am glad to seem you are moving forward and standing up for yourself now in High School! Good for you!
Jared,
Putting me on the spot!
1. It really taught me how our words can hurt. It has taught me to not remain silent when others are being put down. It taught me the importance of being the change and expecting others to do it. It taught me that love heals all wounds. Love for yourself, love for others and love from others.
2. Nothing changes as a adults. Sometimes it is worse because we should know better. I do not know why people do not see that we still bully others as adults. We are still learning and growing. It is takes our own awareness to make changes in our lives and it requires us to want to make changes.
3. I do not know what I would say. I guess nothing. We do not even know each other now and I would just see him as a stranger. Now, if he was aware of me and what he did, I would want to let him know how it hurt and I would hope he would be sorry. Part of me wouldn’t say anything because I might not want to hear what he has to say.
Scotty,
I am glad things are moving forward for you. I am sorry you went through that but as you know, we grow and move on. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being willing to share it with us!
David
on 10 Aug 2009 at 11:15 pm #
Michael, Your openness and honesty in your posts continue to amaze me. You really put yourself out there for the world to read.
Iris Arenson-Fuller
on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:39 pm #
Middle School can often be a nightmare for kids. I have some horror stories from that period of my life and so do my kids. How sad it is that our learning often has to be preceded by such pain, but we do often learn great things, like compassion and decency, which help us to be the people we are now.