A friend of mine was talking to me about her boyfriend. She mentioned how, jokingly, he always asks if his penis is bigger than her other boyfriends she dated. She thinks it is so funny because she really doesn’t remember what theirs were like. As she said, “A penis is a penis.” She honestly only remembers what her current boyfriend’s penis looks like.This got me thinking about how in relationships you compare your current boyfriend with your last relationships.

Justin and I have been together for almost 3 years. He will ask me how he “measures up” to my past relationships. He wants to know do we have more fun, do we laugh more, do we travel more, were they nicer, were they more affectionate, were they smarter, etc.

Of course it is Justin just wanting to learn more about my past but that is exactly what it is. The past. Regardless of how they were, it is not worth being compared to because it is not competition; it is no longer even an option. Those relationships ended for a reason and I am now in my current relationship. I have to see my current relationship as is and base its success on my own personal happiness and nothing more.

It is hard to live in the present and take things for what they are but the present is truly where life is lived. We learn from our past by not revisiting it but simply from the lessons that are already in our head helping guide us along the way.

So next time your current relationship partner asks you are they bigger? You just smile and say, “Of course, in more ways then you will ever know.”

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Did you ever notice how small the world is? We are really connected to each other and everyday I learn more and more how. Here are some examples from just the last month:

• Karen and I are both coaches and became friends through our certification program. We live in different parts of the United States and have never met in person. Randomly in conversation one night, we found out that my father and her grandfather were both born in Bermuda. Bermuda is a small island which is 12 miles long and 2 miles wide. How is it possible that two strangers would become friends who both have relatives in Bermuda? We both swear we are cousins now.

• I went on a date with a guy and took him to my favorite restaurant, Café Tu Tu Tangos which he had never been to. He ended up moving to South Florida shortly aster that for a couple of years. He has since moved back to Orlando. He is now the head host at Café Tu Tu Tangos. But what is even weirder is that he is in a masters program at UCF taking a course with only 6 students. I happened to be asked to speak to his class and found him there. How weird is that? What are the odds?

• Lastly, I had a client who ended a 3 year relationship and was ready to move on. He came to me to coach him through the process. I worked with him for 12 weeks and we were able to make a lot of progress. I understand where he was coming from because I had been in the same situation when I ended a 3 year relationship many years ago. At our very last session, he mentioned that he truly had moved on and happened to run into his ex and was able to thank him for the good times. His ex told him, "You sound just like an ex I had a long time ago." My client happened to mention his name and he was the same ex I had broken up with many years ago and said the same thing to. It was me he was talking about to my client when he responded to his thank you.

It doesn’t bother me to be so connected with people. It makes me feel I am not alone. I have learned to be careful how I treat people. Somehow they will always be part of my life and I only want positive, happy people around me. I use my connection with people to improve my life and I am thankful to have all the experiences I do.

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This week was my ex’s birthday. I was preparing to send him the normal birthday wishes but then I stopped and started to think about what I was doing.

He has received all emails letting my friends know the exciting things that have happened in my life. He has received all the holidays text messages and cards I send to all my friends wishing them well. I just remembered though, he has not responded within the year. 

If any of my friends stop responding to my emails, phone calls or text messages, I take that as a hint that they are busy and I stop including them. They will get in touch with me later if they want to. But, why haven’t I discontinued to contact him? 

I figure it is because we shared more than a friendship. We had a relationship that lasted 3 years but that was 8 years ago. I think part of me is afraid of letting it go. It is easier for me to keep the contact because I get to hold on for a little longer. But what am I holding on to?

Our time has come and gone, I know this.  We had our great times but we learned that we just weren’t meant to be. We had separate goals and dreams. We had different expectations and we have selected different paths to follow in our lives.

It is easy for me to say I will always love him but who do I love? I love the him of the past who shared his life with me. I do not know who he is now, 8 years later. I have great memories of us but they too are of the past. He is not part of my present nor is he part of my future.

I decided it was time to let him go…

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We all have our own baggage we carry with ourselves. I am not going to dwell in all the areas these negative feelings, ideas and thoughts can stem from. What we do about that baggage is the important part.

 You have choices to make when dealing with our emotional baggage:

1. Carry it. It is your baggage so you can do what you want with it. Carry it with you everywhere you go. This will allow it to open up and surprise you in all sorts of locations such as family events, dates, and evenings with friends. It also gets very tiring carrying the baggage around because as we add more and more the heavier the load becomes. It drags us back in life, so we achieve less and less. The heavy baggage load holds us back from our hopes and dreams.

2. Wrap it up. We could always make it look pretty in a nice Gucci bag. The handles help us carry it and it looks good when it is with us. Of course, that beautiful bag just covers up a whole lot of ugly inside. In time, people are going to want to know what is inside all these nice bags we carry and what will they say when they see it? Dressing it up nice doesn’t make it much better.

3. Leave it with the porter. Sometimes you need to look at your baggage as what it is, heavy baggage! Do we really need to bring all this with us everywhere we go? Can we not learn from it and move on? Sometimes you need to open your bags, see what is inside and let it go with the porter. This will lessen your load and let you begin healing. I know it is scary when you get hurt but the only way to truly move on and heal, is to open yourself up again for possibilities.

Look at the baggage in your life? Are you tired of carrying it? Are you ready to see it for what it is worth and stop ignoring it? Are you ready to let it go so you can learn, heal and open yourself up again?

It only takes the first step…

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Over this weekend, my friend Stephanie got in engaged. It is a wonderful story on how she met her fiance and the proposal couldn’t be better. It is great to see her glowing and enjoying the excitement around her engagement.

I know I have asked people this question many times, “How do you know if they are the ONE?” Friends have asked me this same question over the years. We would love someone with a crystal ball to tell us, “YES, they are the one!”

Once we knew that, we would get mad at all their flaws because we would know they were meant for us. We wouldn’t have silly fights with with them and ignore their calls for a day, because we knew they were the one. We would also not doubt our relationship or happiness because we would know, they were the one.

That just isn’t how it works. Relationships take a lot of work. It is about give and take. It is about communication and friendship. It is not about finding someone who youcan put up with their flaws, it is finding someone who knows your flaws and loves you anyway.

So how do you know if they are the one, you just do. If they are the one, they will be worth your commitment and time. You both will give yourselves to make it work because you have each other and that is all that matters.

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