Is it too soon for me to already be excited about HHN 2011? Nah…

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I was attending a meeting where it was mentioned that someone had “dropped the ball”. The room went silent. The speaker continued to share how we would make sure this never happened again and all these new processes were going to be put in place.

It was me.

Well, maybe it was me. Or maybe not. I am not sure but I felt so guilty it was me and I have been thinking about it for days.

The moment the words came out, “someone dropped the ball.” I felt the someone had to be me. As I reflected on this, I couldn’t see how it was me or how it could be perceived to be me but I was for sure planning on how to defend myself or how to make it better because of what I did.

Of course, I really do not know what I did either. Maybe that is because it may not be me.

But the real question is why do I think it was me? When they say someone is going to be homecoming queen, I do not think it is me. When they say someone is being promoted, I do not think it is me. But when something goes wrong, I always think it is me.

Lack of confidence.

How can I have a lack of confidence? My whole life I struggled to be accepted especially in my career. It has always been a battle and I am still fighting it today. It comes from me not believing in my work and what I do.

I tend to doubt.

This doubt leads to thoughts of not being good enough which lead to being guilty when anything goes wrong.

Maybe it is time for me to realize, I am good enough. Believe in my work and believe in myself. Now that I am doing the best I can do and that is enough. Free myself from feeling it is always me.

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Seriously? Can we talk?

It has been forever since I have been able to talk to someone. I really mean this. It seems the world has become a place where we no longer talk to each other.

I can not tell you how many times in the recent weeks, I needed to talk to someone or some company and am forced to leave a message. You leave a message and then you wait. Wait for them to call you back. Guess what, they don’t.

Of course it can be worse with email as well. How many time do I get emails from people and respond but never get a response. We seem we want to talk but then we are unable to connect.

Then I have to take a hard look at my own life. Guess what, I am bad too. I send recieve messages and calls and it takes me forever to respond. Not that I do not want to talk or connect. Trust me, I love to talk. It is simply I am busy.

Busy with what? I do not know. And I think we all are feeling the same thing.

We are living in a world where we are so busy but not really sure why. I think life sometimes runs off with us and we forget to take back the steering wheel. We forget our boundaries. We forget our priorities. We forget what matters most, people.

Isn’t time to step back and look at who is in your life and decide how you can stay connected? Time goes by so fast, do not waste it being busy. Spend with the people you love and love you back!

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I wanted to get my picture with a Sea Lion so bad!

I planned to get it last year but Justin and I kept not finding the time or forgetting. Finally with only weeks left on my annual pass, I realized it was now or never.

It was a cold day and I headed out to the park. When I checked to see if I could join the tour, I was told they only had one more spot left. Luckily I was by myself so I was ready to go.

I joined the group an hour later and waited to get my picture with the Sea Lion. I was a little nervous because they are a lot bigger when you have to stand next to one. It was even worse that the kid before me was irritating it. I knew for sure I was going to lose an ear during my turn.

Nope, I was safe and got a great picture taken!

To be honest, I was proud I went and did it. I do not like to be myself. I tend to miss out on things if I can’t get someone to do with me. I was very excited that I didn’t miss out on this opportunity and can now say I got my picture with a seal lion.

Another item crossed off my life list.

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With everything going on with my family, I was stressed. This is bound to happen and not common within my family.

I noticed my chest has been bothering me. Rather sore and it would hurt a little once and awhile. I really felt it was nothing but wanted to have it checked out.

My EKG came back very normal but my doctor wanted to be safe so sent me in for my first stress test.

Boy was I stressed! I am not a runner and didn’t know how I would handle being put through this test. I was scared.

I decided I was going to not fight being scared but admit it and go with it. Feeling fear is normal and it is not going away from my life. There are moments when you are just scared. It is better to feel it than try to wish it away or suppress it.

When they called my name, I walked in and the nurse asked me, “How are you?” I responded, “Scared.” She told me I had nothing to worry about and told me all about the test. I was relived to know I didn’t have to run.

Because she knew I was scared, she talked to me the whole time, kept me distracted and I completed the stress test.

It wasn’t anything like I expected and I feel what really made it a great experience was the fact I admitted my fear. I didn’t fake it or hide it. I let her know how I was really feeling. I was vulnerable and she supported me.

My stress test was perfect as well. Basically, I have been told to exercise more and try taking on meditation or yoga. I am sure this is not a surprise to anyone reading this as I have mentioned this advice, my trying to build habits around it and many of slip ups in these areas.

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Did you miss me?

There has been so much going on in life that I have been running around crazy. I noticed I hadn’t been posting and meant to get back to it. Next thing I know, it is has been OVER A MONTH. Time flies!!

I am back now and getting ready to rock 2011. It is a new year and time for brand new adventures, right? Of course with everyone talking about 2012 being the end of the world, I want to make sure I get the most of it! (Just in case) LOL

Thank you for your emails and Facebook messages. I am doing fine and I am glad I have been missed. Get ready for another year of posts and we continue together on this journey to living life out loud!

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