t is that time again!! I have been getting a lot of emails wanting to know when I would do another Ask Michael so here it is.
This is your chance to ask me whatever you want. What would you like to know? What would you like me to talk about? What random questions would you like me to answer for you?
I promise this time I will answer them in a unique way…
Don’t be shy and ask a question…or 2…or 5… 
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I have shared a lot about the small fears I have. I told you about my fear of flying, I have a fear of heights and I am scared of snakes and throwing up. This is are minor fears I can work on to overcome. Yes, they freak me out but I have been working on overcoming them and I have been proud of my progress.
I have never really shared my greatest fear. Maybe because it tends to make me the most vulnerable or maybe because it is truly something I fear without a doubt. Not many people know this fear as I really keep this to myself. Just recently I was thinking about it again and thought it was time to put it out there.
I have a great fear of being alone.
Now this fear isn’t just simply being alone, like single, a day by myself, etc. This is the fear that one day I will be all alone with no body in the world.
I am the baby of my family by 12 years. Growing up, I was always reminded of the fact that my parents were going to die. Kids loved to tease me about this because their parents were the ages of my siblings. I learned to accept this and found a very healthy relationship with losing loved ones early on.
As I continued to grow up and became an adult, I realized that being the baby means, if I am lucky, I will be the last of my family. That I will be there to watch them all leave and I will be left behind. I do not have any children and I do not see a future with kids for me. I do have Justin but what if he is not around either.
My fear is growing old alone. Being in old age home with no one to visit me. No one to share the holidays with and no one to know I exist. I am afraid I will need surgery and there will be no one there to hold my hand. I fear that people will see me just as a bother and I will feel I am only there taking up space.
How true is this fear? Well it could happen couldn’t it? But this counts if I do out live everyone. This also counts if I out live all my friends. This also counts if the people who are part of my life see me as a bother and ignore me. This also counts on the fact that I will not be able to find friends to create a new family.
Yes, this is a something I greatly fear but in the end, it might not even happen. I could simply be loved and supported just as I am now.
Fear plays with your doubt and lets you see what life might be like in the future or what might happen. It doesn’t always allow you to see that you have no need to worry because everything will be amazing.
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Recently, I have had a lot of people tell me it is hard to make friends. I was surprised by this because I never thought is was hard to make friends. I always seemed to have new friends wherever I went.
What I did notice was that I had friends who were around for a moment in my life and friends who have been around for what seems all my life. I do not believe this is a bad thing. I think it just means you were friends when the situation dictated it and then you grew apart when your life changed.
Finding friends is a lot like looking for love. You can look and look and look but it only happens when you least expect it and you just know it is right in that moment. The moment you connect and realize, we are going to be friends. You can’t force or or even try to create it, because it just happens. Some people are meant to be our friends and others are not.
Does this mean you can not make friends? NO. It means first you have to accept that not everyone is a good friend for you. The next step is to learn how to be a good friend…
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I bought the brand new iPhone 4 the moment it was available. Nick and I have always jumped at the same time with our apple purchases. Of course I have to admit he is better with the dates they go on sale and tends to reminder and push me so I make the deadlines in time.
He received his the day before mine arrived. He opened it as was using it with in minutes of having it in his hand. When mine came, it sat in the box. Just in the box.
Over a week later, it was still in the box.
It wasn’t that I did not want the phone. I just felt it was so new I didn’t want to ruin it. I was scared to start using it in fear I would drop it or break it.
Nick asked everyday if I was using it. I always responded no. Finally he told me a story.
When he was younger he got a brand new pair of roller blades. He wanted to keep them new so he left them in the box. As time went on, they only sat in the box. Finally one day he decided to use them and found his feet had out grown them and he couldn’t enjoy them at all.
Of course I took this story to mean get out your freaking phone and use it before the next one comes out!!
So I opened the box and began my journey with my new iPhone. It is funny how sometimes we hold ourselves back because of the fear of what will happen when you start but it is the fear which keeps us from even starting in the first place. Think of all that we miss out on simply because we fear what might happen or go wrong.
(Of course I will not comment on the problems the new phones are having.)
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I really believe there are 2 groups of people in this world.
These people have a judgement about you. This judgement (you are too old, too young, too thin, too fat, too gay, too straight, too mean, too happy, too silly, etc) helps them see themselves in a better light. It protects them from facing what is going on in their own relationship with themselves. For whatever reason they do not like you, it helps them to feel better about themselves. You can try as much as you want to get them to like you but in the end there is nothing you can do because it isn’t about you. It is all about them.
These people like for who you are. Maybe because they relate to you or maybe because they know they can learn from you. There isn’t judgement from these people, instead they focus on the qualities they like and what makes you, you. They have good intentions when they are around you. Right now they like you but in time, with trust, communication and a lot of laughter they will grow to love you as well. But that falls on you.
Which group are you going to focus on?
Or the bigger question, how will you get people to go from liking you to loving you?
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Justin and I travelled to South Florida for the weekend and to attend a friend’s surprise birthday party. It was so hard not to mention any of this on Facebook as it would ruin the surprise. I had to be a closed book for a few days.
My friends had booked a gay resort for the party. It was close to their home and this way everyone would have a simple and nice place to stay. The gay resort was clothing optional but as we would have a mixed crowd the resort agreed if it was bought out, it would not be clothing optional for the weekend.
Justin and I were the first to arrive and check in. The guy at the front desk told us, it was not going to be clothing optional this weekend but because we were the first guest, we were welcome to swim or do anything before the other guests arrive. The rules didn’t apply until others were there. He then stared at us for an awkward moment and I smiled and said thanks and we headed to the room.
Justin and I did not choose to go clothing optional but to take a nap and then head out for the rest of the day. Justin mentioned at lunch how odd it was that he made that offered. I joked and said he just wanted to see us naked.
Justin and I spent our weekend relaxing, at the beach, eating and enjoying the surprise party which was great. Come Sunday it was time to leave the resort and head back home.
As we came to check out we found we were the last ones there and the guy at the front desk walked up and mentioned that we did not need to rush since we were the last ones we were welcome to hang out…. We could go swimming in the pool if we liked…. We could sunbathe…. We could even know use the outdoor shower….
He then just stared at us for a awkward moment and I replied, “Thank you but we need to head home.”
As we headed out to the car and got inside the car, Justin and I looked at each other and said, “Basically I want to see you naked.”
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There is a guy in my neighborhood who drives a GIANT black pick up truck. He has it all decked out and you can tell he is very proud of it. I can hear him coming from miles away before his truck arrives on our street.
There is one thing he does each day that surprises me. He pulls into the neighborhood and drives down the street to the end where he lives. When it is time to go, instead of turning around, he drives backwards all the way out of the neighborhood.
I do not understand why.
I was thinking about how much he seem to love his truck, why would he risk ruining it by driving the wrong way. I started thinking maybe he doesn’t really like his truck. I also wondered if maybe he was drinking and that is how he behaves when he drinks. I did not understand why he does this every day too. It is not like he has a fight with someone and then does this. He does this as part of his routine. This is just odd.
Every day when he drives his truck backwards, my head starts to run on why he does this. I realized that I am judging him. I am judging what he is doing and trying to figure it out myself because I do not think it fits into my rules for life.
This is his life and if he wants to drive his truck backwards, well then drive it backwards. Do you think every day he thinks about me and why I am sitting at my desk working and looking out the window each day? Of course not.
Just because his actions aren’t something I do that doesn’t mean it is wrong or needs to be understood. It is his life to live.
Think what life would be like if we all allowed people to live their own lives and just focused on our own.
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I only have weeks before my first book is published. It has been a long journey but I am so excited to finally be able to release it.
One thing they told me in the very beginning was the details would hold me back. The faster I wanted to get it published, the less worry about details I would need.
Well, I am not a details person so I knew this would not be a problem for me. Well…I thought.
As time went on, I realized it took me a week, Yes one week, to pick out the font the book would be printed in. This was not a good a sign. You see the details are not what I am best with but I would allow them to hold me back. I am sure my editor was being nice when he said the details would hold me back. What it meant to say was, “If I was too picky, this would take FOREVER!”
I had to learn to let go. To realize that this small details I stressed about were only the details. I needed to trust myself, my choices and allow the process to move forward. The goal was to be complete and not perfect. There wouldn’t be a perfect book.
I noticed I started to do this with the relaunch of my website coming soon. I was working so hard on the details that I was really holding myself back. I finally was able, with the help of a friend, to bring someone into the loop who is amazing and going to help me out with the site.
I think it is important to remember that though the details are important, you need to decide which are important which are just minor details. The biggest obstacle to getting what you want is usually you.
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You are a piece of the puzzle.
As we know, a puzzle makes up a beautiful picture when complete. But only when it is complete can we enjoy it’s beauty.
You fit into this puzzle in your special way. Maybe you are the border, maybe you are in the middle or maybe you are at the very top. But you have a place.
You want to fit in so bad that sometimes you will try to jam yourself into other places of the puzzle. You do not want to be different. You want to fit in and complete the picture.
You try so hard to fit. You do all you can to make yourself connect but it doesn’t seem to work. You start to wish you weren’t different and that parts of you were different so you would fit better.
Other pieces of the puzzle know how much you want to fit in. They tell you how to fit in. They tell you where you should go. You try and try but still not able to do it. It just doesn’t feel right.
Finally you embrace you are different. You are different because it takes your special piece to complete this puzzle. All the pieces are so different but that is what makes a puzzle great. Even though they all are so different, they each find their own spot to fit in.
The right spot for them.
You struggle to fit in to many places that are not right for you. It frustrates you and keeps you from being free. Finally, when you realize it is a journey you create for yourself, you are able to embrace who you and all of the sudden, you find your spot.
Your spot is just being yourself!
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Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford
Justin and I play Super Mario Brothers together. It is a challenge trying to get through the game with 2 people on the screen.
I have never been good with jumping on moving platforms. The ones where they move and you have to jump to another moving one in time before the other one falls.
I do not know what it is but it freaks me. Maybe because I am scared of falling or the timing is too much stress for me but I can’t do it.
Justin knows this because when ever we get to one of these levels, I tell him I can’t do it and he has to try by himself.
We were playing one level like this and Justin was getting more and more frustrated with not being able to complete the level. Finally he quits and takes a break.
While I am sitting there, I think I can do it and give it a try. With my one try I complete the level.
Was it because I saw him do it hundred times before me? Was it because I was more patient? Was it because I believe I could do it?
When we believe we can’t do something we already know the result we are going to get. No matter what happens, it won’t work out. We believe we can’t so we just won’t be able to.
But when you believe you can, no matter how many times you try, you will figure a way to make it happen.
Believing in yourself takes a lot of work but it pays off in the end. I wonder how many things you tell yourself right now that you can’t do, that you can if you only believed.
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